What to do when you feel like you’re behind – “I should be further along by now”
For those of us who are high achievers, or tend towards perfectionism, or sometimes get stuck in procrastination, it’s common to feel like you’re behind sometimes.
Whenever I catch myself saying or thinking “I should be further along by now”, I turn to the tried-and-true set of questions: is it true, is it helpful, is it necessary (now)?
Often, asking myself these questions helps me to see things from a different perspective. And sometimes, even if I can understand on an intellectual level that it’s not true, and it’s not really helpful to believe that it’s true – it still feels like it’s true in my body.
Have you ever had that experience?
In that case, I have a couple more tricks for you to try. See if one of these works for you.
1.What if … I’m already further along than I realise?
Set a timer for 15 minutes and write down as many reasons as you can think of that you might be further along than you thought. Aim to get a list of at least 50 possibilities. The intention here is to go as quickly as possible and get as many ideas on the list as you can. This is a completely different approach than the first one that we discussed above. You’re not investigating to confirm that each item on the list is true. You’re simply exploring possibilities that could, maybe, potentially, be true.
2. Spend a couple of minutes noticing how you feel when you believe that “I should be further along by now” is true.
Observe both the emotions and the physical sensations in your body.
Next, ask yourself, how do you want to feel instead? Write a list of 3-5 words that capture how you would prefer to feel e.g. accomplished, confident, expansive, flowy, clever, authentic, vibrant, joyful, calm, satisfied, powerful, etc. Then consider, when have you felt like that in the past? Notice what comes up and see if there are any connections.
This exercise is a great way to figure out your deeper why. Not just simply why you feel that you should be further along by now, but why you want to be wherever it is that you want to be. The simple truth is that we ultimately want whatever it is that we want, because of how we will feel (or at least, how we think we will feel) once we have it.
Why is it so important to you?
It’s important that we have some clarity around what our deeper why is – to create momentum, to give us motivation to keep going even when it feels challenging and to stay focused as we make progress. When we are motivated simply by wanting to get away from where we are currently, it’s not very supportive or helpful. As Jon Kabat-Zinn says, wherever you go, there you are. We tend to think that we’ll be happy when … we get the new job, or our net worth reaches $1 million, or we’re invited to speak at such-and-such event, or we win the award, etc. And yet, how many times have you achieved a really big goal and felt the elation of reaching a new height, the warm glow of success, the pride of achievement – and then soon after, sometimes the very next day, you’re back to feeling like your old self, but also not quite yourself. You have that feeling like something is missing, something that you haven’t found yet.
But what if …?
Let’s go back to playing with the what if for a moment. What if … you could feel the way that you want to NOW, without waiting until you achieve the goal? What if … feeling the way that you want to now, makes it easier and faster to achieve your goal? What if … feeling the way that you most want to now, makes it easier for you to find opportunities, meet the right people, create connections – and that’s why you are able to achieve your goal even faster and more easily than you imagined?
Two things can be true at the same time
In my corporate days, my team members would often let me know that they were going to apply for roles in other teams. These were opportunities that they expected would be challenging, and that would help them to learn new skills and have new experiences. But they went after these opportunities comfortable in the knowledge that they already had a role that they were good at and really enjoyed – and that there was still room to grow within their current role.
They were happy with where they currently were – and they had a desire to move forward, to uplevel, to take the opportunity to continue climbing up the mountain.
Even knowing all of the above, I occasionally still have that old feeling of I should be further along by now. I’m not sure if it will ever be gone forever. One of my favourite reminders, when that feeling comes up, is that there are many paths that will take you to the top of the mountain – some might be more direct, some might be a more scenic route – but the view from the top is the same. As long as you keep taking one step forward, and then another step forward – and you’re certain that you’re climbing up the right mountain – well, you might as well enjoy the journey.
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