How to ask yourself better questions
Note: this article is intended to be an introduction to asking yourself better questions rather than a comprehensive guide or a checklist to follow. You can use it to start asking yourself better questions – and start getting better answers (rather than putting yourself under pressure to only ever ask the best questions and get the best answers).
As a leader and a coach, I firmly believe in the power of asking good questions.
By asking a good question, I can help you to clarify your thoughts, your opinions, your choices.
When I ask you a good question, you might uncover a pattern or connection that you weren’t aware of before.
If I ask a good question, it can open up new possibilities and opportunities for you.
Good questions can lead you to have a breakthrough.
But what about the questions you ask yourself?
There are the questions that you consciously ask yourself:
- What am I going to have for breakfast today?
- Should I get ready for bed now or watch one more episode?
- Do I really want to stay in this relationship or is it time to go?
Then there are the questions that you ask yourself without thinking.
You know, like when you say to yourself:
- Argh, what did you say that for?
- Why do you always leave things until the last minute?
- Why are you such an idiot?
The questions you consciously ask yourself
Let’s start with the conscious questions. Even though 95% of our thoughts are subconscious, the 5% of our thoughts that are conscious take up a significantly disproportionate amount of our energy and focus – because, you know, we’re aware of them.
Whether the question is simple or complex or somewhere in between, you can start asking yourself better questions by considering what the purpose of the question is.
🔹Is it likely that answering this question will be helpful?
🔹Will the answer to this question likely lead me in the right direction? (i.e. will it help me to get clearer or make a decision)
🔹Is it necessary for me to know the answer to this question – or is it simply interesting?
An example that I see a lot that falls into the last category (of being interesting rather than necessary) are questions that start with why.
Honestly, I love questions that start with why. I enjoy getting to know more about myself, the people around me and the world around me. So, in order to get a better understanding, questions like why do you do that sometimes occur to me.
But the reality is, that because almost all of our behaviour is driven by thoughts that are below our level of conscious awareness, it’s more than likely that you and I don’t really know why we behave in a particular way. Not for sure anyway.
Most of us, in an effort to create meaning, will often come up with some well thought out ideas, some possible explanations, some assumptions that sound logical and plausible. Oh, it was because I grew up with this kind of parent. Or, because when I was in third grade, this thing happened to me. Or, because when I was five, I really wanted this one thing to happen – but it didn’t.
It’s true that you really did have the experiences that you had, and it’s also true that our subconscious beliefs are the result of our upbringing, our previous experiences (especially as kids), and the culture and the environment that we live in.
Sometimes, one single experience may have formed one specific belief in your subconscious.
Sometimes, it’s the result of many similar experiences.
Sometimes, it’s a complex interplay of what you’ve personally experienced, what you’ve seen or heard happen to others, and the messages that you’ve absorbed over and over from the media and the people around you.
Here’s what else is true though.
You don’t need to know why you have a limiting belief to be able to clear it. You don’t even need to know what the limiting belief is. Or even that there is a limiting belief in your subconscious! All you need in order to create significant change is an awareness that you have something that is blocking you or holding you back or keeping you stuck (along with an intention to release the block – and a technique for doing so).
The questions you subconsciously ask yourself
When it comes to the questions that you ask yourself without thinking, the first place to start is by recognising that you’re even asking yourself a question. It can be such a habitual response that you don’t even realise that you’ve asked yourself a question.
If you don’t realise, does it really matter?
Yes, because your brain doesn’t like open loops. If you ask yourself a question (or if someone else asks you a question), your brain will go searching for an answer.
That’s right, your brain will go looking for answers to questions like why are you such an idiot?
Knowing that our brain works this way is why I’m a fan of using what are sometimes called afformations (a term coined by Noah St John).
Like affirmations (which you might be more familiar with), afformations are positive and empowering. The difference is that an affirmation is a statement while an afformation takes the form of a question.
Affirmation: I easily take action on what’s important to me.
Afformation: Why is it so easy for me to take action on the tasks that matter the most to me?
If you’ve used affirmations before, you may have (hopefully!) noticed a positive impact from doing so. It’s also likely that at one time or another you’ve read or said a particular affirmation (like, I make decisions clearly and confidently) only to notice that a part of you says, No, you don’t. You’re a classic overthinker.
This is why there tends to be mixed results from using affirmations. When your subconscious just doesn’t agree with the statement, it won’t magically start agreeing simply because you repeat the statement a hundred (or a thousand or a million) times.
Afformations work because your subconscious is programmed to go looking for answers to questions. It doesn’t like the open loop (that a question creates) to stay open.
Effectively, your subconscious is going to take the same approach whether you ask:
• Why can’t I figure this out? OR Why is it so easy for me to create a clear and effective strategy?
• Why do I always leave things until the last minute and then panic? OR Why do I easily take consistent action in a way that allows me to feel calm and confident?
• Why am I so unlucky in love? OR Why is it so easy for me to attract people who are kind, generous and committed?
• How come others always get more opportunities than I do? OR How come there are so many ideal opportunities available to me?
It’s just that we’re more familiar with asking the first question in the above pairs. So familiar that we ask it subconsciously, without even intending to.
That means that you’ll need to consciously make an effort to ask the more empowering version of the question. But when you do remember to ask the question in a different way, your mind will be compelled to find answers to it. Try it and see.
A final thought
One of my favourite questions (especially for overthinkers and perfectionists) is:
What is my next best step?
Not the best strategy or detailed plan – just the next step.
Not what will be the best outcome for everyone in all ways – just the next step that is best for you.
If your next best step is to figure out what it is that you really want, you might like to click here and try my Reflect and Reset process.